Quite Possibly the Worst Fic You Will Read Today
by GodricLives
Summary: The title says it all. It makes very little sense, and in all seriousness should not have been written. I won't be offended if you don't read it. Oneshot.


Summary: Pointless, horrible, no plot, very confusing, quite possibly the worst fic you will today, and yet it still amuses me.

Disclaimer: As always, not mine, therefore I'm alive. No angry fans killing me for Potterabuse.

"I'm madly in love with yo-o-o-ou!" sang Ron Weasley happily to a doorknob. James Potter rose from the grave and killed him. James then snogged the doorknob. Lily rose from the grave and killed James (again). They shagged. Padfoot showed up, killed Sirius, and pinched Remus's arse. The wolf killed Padfoot and shagged Remus. Hermione Granger woke up.

"What did I drink last night?" she screamed at Lavender. Then she moaned and held her head in her hands.

"How am I supposed to know what you drank?" she asked. "I was concentrating more on your body."

"MY WHAT!"

"Um, Hermione, do you mean you're not really a lesbian?" asked Parvati looking hurt. "You were so good too!"

"I WHAT!"

"Uh-oh, Weasley's gonna kill us."

"That's an understatement. But she was good, I agree."

"I WHAT!"

"HERMIONE YOU SHAGGED US LAST NIGHT!"

"I WHAT!"

"Maybe we should leave her to her hangover."

"Good plan."

Parvati and Lavender left Hermione with her hangover.

"I _shagged_ Parvati and Lavender last night after getting _drunk_ on something that I don't even remember! Crap. I thought Ron was good last night. What have I done? He'll never trust me again!"

Up in the boys' dormitory, Ron was having a similar revelation. After a conversation that was for all practical purposes the same, he said, "I _shagged_ Dean and Seamus last night after getting _drunk_ on something that I don't even remember. Crap. I thought Hermione was good last night. What have I done? She'll never trust me again! Not to mention I got drunk on something really good and don't remember what so I can't even have it again.."

Down in the dungeons, Severus Snape and Rolanda Hooch were celebrating getting laid and breaking up the Gryffindor Gropers. After going on a blind date together, admitting to each other that they were gay, and doing a fair bit of Groper Bashing, they had concocted this plan to split them up and get laid at the same time.

"Hah you should have seen Weasley squirm under me! God it was funny! Then Finnegan had to butt in and ask me for a blow job. That was enough to make me consider turning straight!" Severus joked.

"You should have seen Granger moaning like…like…something that moans a lot! Then Patil had to go and snog me. That was almost enough to turn me straight," joked Rolanda.

"Say something funny!" screamed Godric, whacking them both on the head.

"Who are you and where did you come from?" asked Severus, slightly dazed.

"I'm your author and I'm having a horrible day for humor. I can't think of anything funny! So do it for me!"

Rolanda butted in. "Do you want a lap dance?"

Godric shot her with a paintball gun. Since it was red paint, and she was drunk, Rolanda thought she was dead. She instantly died.

"What the heck are you…oh who am I kidding. I hate her about as much as I hate Potter. Thanks for killing her. Even though you really didn't. But you did something and she died so you're my hero. Do you want to shag me? As a reward."

Godric stared in disbelief. "Are you kidding? You're tall, dark, mysterious, and sexy in an if-my-eyes-were-closed-I-couldn't-care-less sort of Slytherin way…What the heck, I'm the author."

She grabbed him and dunked him into a cauldron. "I'm making a potion that will turn you straight and bind you to me. Here, three tomatoes, a dash of pepper—"

"ACHOO! YOU CALL THAT A DASH?"

"Sorry, that was a dash of salt and a bucket of pepper. Now a chunk of caramel for luck…and a bit of my spit because I feel like spitting…and voila. Now let me write this in the story…" Severus Snape turned straight and was bound to Godric for life. "Okay Severus you're straight and mine for life. Or at least until my sex drive or this story is over, whichever happens first."

He screamed and killed his pet aphid. Or maybe he didn't. It was too small to tell. And who really cares about another aphid anyway? Not me.

"Hey!" squeaked a tiny voice. "I'm looking for Harry Potter. I owe him something and I realized that Voldemort's not all he's cracked up to be. I mean really, he nearly bit my cock off! So I'm here to help Harry. Know where he is?"

Godric killed Pettigrew because he's annoying. Then she pulled Severus out of the cauldron, shagged Draco, and ran off to find Harry.

James Potter looked down out of the clouds to see Albus shagging Fawkes.

Ginny Weasley walked in on Hermione doing a strip tease for…herself? She smacked Hermione and turned into Blaise Zabini.

Blaise wasn't sure whether he/she/it was a boy or girl or something completely different. Therefore it didn't matter if Hermione was gay or straight. He/she/it shagged Hermione. Then he/she/it then grabbed a can of Full Throttle, glared at it, and died in a massive explosion that ruined Hogwarts and left a giant statue of Full Throttle in its place.

Godric looked at the statue and cursed. "&!# IT! NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW IF GRYFFINDORS OR SLYTHERINS ARE BETTER IN BED!" Then she realized that the author could do anything and disappeared from the story.

It was the Stone Age again. Binns was alive and kicking. No, literally, kicking a chunk of rock and screaming "Incendio!" over and over until it finally burst into flame. It was so hot it killed him instantly. He time traveled and watched the Goblin Wars. Or so he thought. Really he was watching Goblin reruns of Star Trek. The acting was horrible, as was the translation spell. No wonder he drones so boringly in class now. He should have taken a Babel fish with him. It could poop English into his ear. He didn't understand all this gobbledygook. Hey, that's what he should name this language. Gobbledygook. Heck yes!

The author reached into the bag of candy hidden in her desk and grabbed a caramel block. She opened it and started chewing while she considered what to write next. _Hmmm…What happened to the original idea of a humorous slash fic? I suppose you should never type this sort of thing this late at night. Definitely not with the current music choice. I mean really, Roller Coaster of Love? If that's even what the song is really called. Who cares?_

"Your love is like a roller coaster baby baby, I wanna ride," she sang loudly and very off-key. Severus came running.

"You can ride me!" She replied by telling her readers she would back soonish.

When they got back they had to undo the damage released by a poor jealous computer. Then Godric decided it would be amusing to put it back on. Not that she really expected anyone else to appreciate the random crap that her computer did when left alone for too long. It's like a two year old brat like that. Well anyway here it is.

Lk42sjgl;42jsdf 42thor re42ched into lk42sjgl;42jsdf b42g of c42ndy hidden in bob desk 42nd gr42bbed 42 c42r42mel block. S&e opened tr 42nd st42rted chewing while s&e considered wh42t to wrtre next. _Hmmm…Wh42t h42ppened to lk42sjgl;42jsdf origin42l ide42 of 42 humourus sl42sh fic? I sppose yo should never type OMGWTF sort of thing OMGWTF l42te 42t nigt. Defintrly not wtrh lk42sjgl;42jsdf current msic choice. I me42n re42lly, Curly Co42ster of T42j m42h42l? If th42t's even wh42t lk42sjgl;42jsdf song is re42lly c42lled. Who c42res._

"Poo!r t42j m42h42l is like 42 curly co42ster b42by b42by, I w42nn42 ride," s&e s42ng very off-key. S$s c42me running.

"Poo! c42n ride me!" S&e replied by telling bob re42ders s&e wold b42ck soonish.

Well now that that was over, Godric and Severus found Harry and Ron. After shagging them, Godric replied that Slytherins were better in bed. Ron had a minor problem with coming about five minutes too early, and Harry was more interested in his own needs. Draco, while not being the brightest kid on the block, suggested that for a better sample, she shag the entire school. She refused to shag anyone below the age of 15 for practical purposes. They would automatically lower the overall house rating, and Gryffindor couldn't stand to lose any more points. After shagging the 5, 6, and 7 years of all four houses, Godric decided that Slytherins were best. Gryffindors all had a bad problem (it was different for each of them), Hufflepuffs were too afraid of…well, everything…to successfully shag her, and Ravenclaws wanted to do it according to books they had read recently. All these books were written by 150 year old monks. Slytherins were daring in bed, not to mention the bonus points of having the tall dark, and mysterious Severus adding about 20000000000000000000 points out of 10 to their score. They won a landslide victory.

Lily Potter looked down at Harry, and said, "James, that's one good reason why I should have lived. My son doesn't even shag good enough for the author!"

James came up behind her and slid his hand into her pants. "We should give him some moral support from above…Whoa that's new! When did you get a cock?"

"Well, last night I wished I was a man so we could be gay together because I hate female bodies. Even my own. Heck, especially my own. Plus I've always thought that if I was the one rubbing my erection in your face, you'd see how hard it is not to take it in your mouth. So let's give Harry some moral support from above. I'm definitely in the mood."

"Heck yes, shagging my wife…er, husband…oh whatever…when she…he…it's a man will be a new experience. I've often wondered what it was like to shag a man."

"That explains why we only had one child. I thought you were just so thick all you could find was my arse hole after the help I gave you the first night. Well then, they were right. Every sperm is useful, and each time we shagged as man and wife we had a kid. Cool. I love being proved wrong." Lily was confusing James, but he didn't care. He was finally holding her cock in his hands! (A/N: I'm confused too, but I decided to leave it in anyway.)

Up in the world where the author is typing, she suddenly decided to stop the story before it got any more pathetic than it already was. Though it's more fun to stop in the middle of a word like thi


End file.
